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Oh, Quod me nutrit me destruit
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[11 Jan 2004|12:36pm] |
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I made the decision that perhaps now would be a most ideal time to switch journal names. It seems ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) otherworldly has come to a decent conclusion, and so let me open a new page and continue on in my new journal:
cellosonata
From this moment on, all posts will be put into this journal, so please friend it if you wish to continue reading my musings.
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[10 Jan 2004|04:52pm] |
The word 'wow' doesn't even do justice. I just had the most surprising conversation with the most unsuspected person. In other words: Brian just called me for the first time in about a week.
I had sent him e-mails all week, made a few calls and left messages to ask what had happened, but for some odd reason, I received no response. I figured, as usual, it was one more guy who discarded me because I wouldn't put out. [Lately it's been somewhat of a trend, a good trend. If I become involved with a male I'm highly interested in, I don't give in so easily physically because I want to test him, to see if he would stay around. It's really helped sift out the bad seeds.] So there was still no word and I had just put it in the back of my mind to forget it. Such are the ways of abolishing a male from memory.
But today. It was about 10 til 4. I noticed I had just missed a call. I checked who had called and sure enough, "Brian Vose" was the name I saw. I called him back and left a message, still somewhat confused on why he was called. After all, I thought it was over. Whe I hung up from that, I saw I had a voice message, which I checked. His voice didn't sound any different; he still said my name with a playful jest and had that sing-song tone to his words. He honestly acted like nothing had happened. I hung up, and I do believe my mouth was open, and once more the phone rang.
Brian was calling again.
I didnt know if I should be angry or happy, upset, confused, overjoyed, anything. I just spoke.
He moved to Austin. The guy lives in TEXAS now. He got a job as a teacher at a private music school and took it as soon as it was offered. There was no hostility, in fact there was nothing at all. He spoke to me like we had never stopped talking. He seemed to happy to be there, for now he could accomplish his goal as a musician in a big city: just what he had always wanted in life.
I'm happy for him, you know. I hate to admit that, because I'm going to miss him so incredibly much, but I am so happy that he's getting everything he wants now. He was always so nice to everyone and the guy didn't have one mean bone in his body. He deserves the good job, good apartment, and ideal location.
And he wants me to come visit.
After we hung up, I kind of sat there for a bit, really thinking it over. Something was not answered in my mind, so I called him back and asked straight forward:
"Was it something I did?"
He laughed and told me of course it was nothing I did; he had been planning on moving as soon as he found a new job and had simply had no time to talk to anyone in the past few days. He went on to tell me how great I had been to him and how he couldn't forget me if he tried. He wants to keep in touch and wants to know about my life, wants to still be a part of it. He said I was a great girl and that he had fun every time we were together. I feel so much better after hearing what he told me during that call. Right before I ended it, I asked him, "So will I ever get to see you again?"
And his answer: "Of course you will, and I'll be sure of it."
As I said, I'm going to miss him more than words can even explain, but I'm so happy for him. It's a story that belongs on the pages of a book, and I can't wait to see what the next book brings. He's going far, and each and every one of you need to keep your ears open for him name.
That's the name I grew to love.
Tiffany
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| girls who look at boys with brown brown eyes: |
[10 Jan 2004|03:41pm] |
Here she sits
with her books in her lap,
black and white gingham
taint her world.
A bump is hit:
thousands of delights collide
but she remembers what it sounds like
when the pages turn
and chinese lanters cling together
amongst chattering guests.
Uncrossing her legs,
eyeing the boy with the brown brown eyes
and refastening her black mary jane shoe
to shimmer
shimmer
like a girl should.
One more page passed, and
she's collecting her senses
in this crazy insanity that dictates
new days,
that adheres to a world
she does not belong in.
God save the girls
who look at boys
with brown brown eyes.
Fin.
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| Maybe I'm the afterglow 'cause I'm with band, you know: |
[07 Jan 2004|06:09pm] |
Not too much new news to report on. I'll begin this post with one comment in reference to my journal/the internet and then I'm going to close the subject: The anonymous comments have to stop. I've always been one open to opinion, whatever they may be, but lately, even through my requests to have a name posted, there are still cowards out there that feel the need to hide behind a facade. So kids, you lost your war; it's as a simple as dissabling anonymous posts.
News with the parents isn't too hot lately. It seems that there are certain things I absolutely have to adhere to and complete if I want to continue living here. That's not a bad bargain and all, but I'm having a hard time accepting a few limits to my freedom. One thing I think my father and stepmother are having a hard time accepting is that I graduated early so I could have a bit of free time before moving on to college and a real job next fall. There seems to be so much pressure on me getting this prestigious working position and being successful right away, but you see: That clashes with my outlook so badly! I'm not asking to party and get stark raving drunk nightly, nor do I want to become a lifeless loser with no responsibilities. I just want to live for the lighter side of life for awhile. Get my basic job, pay off my bills, hang out with friends, meet some new people, etc. AT LEAST FOR A WHILE. I'll grow up soon because I WANT to; just right now is not the time. This is the free time I worked so hard on, taking extra classes at 7 AM and doing extra work out of school for. I suppose I'll have to find new living quarters if I'm to get that brief stint of freedom I earned.
So here's some insight on my new philosophy of my relationships. As most know, Brian has totally stopped calling and has cut off all forms of contact without a simple goodbye. Yes, it stung at first, but I'm growing to accept it. I am never meant to fall in love. A character fault, I will admit, but something I'm glad I've come to learn before I hurt another person. I had a conversation today with a person who has this same glitch in his character as I do, and I feel I summed up my method of looking at love in a lesson offered to another -- Please read the following:
Me: You see, I'm always the girl guys like to cheat on their lovers with. I'm always that little side dish everyone wants to taste but not order. and god. I cant do that anymore; it's really wearing me down.
Him: You see, im the guy who always has the best intentions, then gets himself into situations and ends up hurting himself and everyone else
Me: I've got real emotions behind those actions and any person I EVER mess around with is a person I consider a potential for a relationship. In fact, I never make the first move because I dont want to intrude. Once the male does indeed make moves towards me, I figure maybe there is something there, there is that chance to move in the right direction. So yeah, I continue it. I make it worthwhile for the both of us. but god. When I find out it was a one night thing and nothing at all has changed, I want to throw myself down and fucking damn this world for ever creating the emotion admiration or adoration, because those emotions destroy me. ...And I quote "That which nourishes me also destroys me." Make sense now?
Him: you know, my mom said to me today "i often wonder if you will ever be happily married or happily in a long term relationship" ... and im not going to be. and i know that. and that's sad because i cant deal with knowing that.
Me: its something you have to accept then. There's no sense in leading yourself on if you know you're trying to prolong something that will inevitably end.
Him: yeah that's true.
Me: I'm not saying that for personal gain, I'm saying for the sake of her. If you do care about her, which I know you do, you should respect her enough to tell her you dont want to be leading her into something deep that won't last like she wants it to. I feel, as a total believer in good ethics, that this is the only logical way to do things
Him: yeah...
Me: I had to do the same thing not too long ago with a guy that I loved. And he treated me like a queen, told me that I was beautiful and brought me out and was PROUD of me. but _____, I couldnt do it. I couldnt hurt him by knowing that some day I would do something I would regret. Fortunately I made that decision before anything happened, so my conscience is somewhat cleared and I can sleep at night. It's heartwretching to know i'll never be able to have true love, but it's just something I have to accept as a person who wants to keep the last bit of sanity in her.
I've come to accept this now; I suppose I've hit a plain inside of me that has been hidden in denial for much too long. My idealism used to take the reigns and totally control me; I was helpless to stray to the side of logic if I even wanted to. But now I can honestly say I'm in control. Coming across such a revelation has opened my eyes up and brought about some self realization I've needed for [the magical word of life] Progression. I couldn't be happier to be here.
Something in my heart has told me lately that the cello is not my true calling. All my aspirations for it, all my beautified dreams alongside it-- suddenly they aren't in color. I can't see past the foggy beginning of it, and I can't understand why. I keep getting the notion that I need to work hard on my piano and my bass, for I just have this innard PUSH that is really urging me to excell. I am always a sucker for the opinion of intuition, so I full intend on sitting down to the piano and working hard on achieving status as a bassist. And that is that.
I think this post has gotten long enough, and I'm content with this as its ending.
"Remember how you had a knife up to my throat last night? Remember how I didnt really even flinch? I didnt ask you to kill me, cut me, wherever; I just knew if it happened, it was meant to. That philosophy, as morbid as it may be, is bringing me to new places in life. Good places. Live in the moment. And in that moment, suck up every bit of breath you can, pouncing at every opportunity you have. If you come across a moment that challenges you, accept it and smile knowing the previous moment was worthwhile."
Write a book,
Tiffany
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| Two cool cats and a microphone: |
[06 Jan 2004|01:22am] |
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So I was hanging out with misfit6606 [Dylan] today and we came up an absolutely ingenius idea: we're going to start a Rockabilly band! We talked about it, even sort of sat down and played out some riffs on the bass and guitar, and I couldn't possibly be more excited. Sure, a regular rock band would be fun, but what's more fun than playing out pseudo-fifties swingin' beats and playing on the upright bass? Nothing. Nothing, I say! So far, we've got Dylan on guitar and me on bass and vocals; now all we need is an upright bass to rent and a drummer who's got the same aim we do and we're SET. Oh yes, and a way to get Dylan's mohawk back into the greaser kid style. Heh. Regardless! What fun we shall have in making this a reality. I'm very excited and so is Dylan. I'm crossing my fingers this goes through with itself and great things will come from it. It will be good times in the coming weeks!
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| so hear me roar. |
[05 Jan 2004|12:57am] |
Okay, this post is long overdue, and god damn it, I've got some words I want to share.Something strong came over me tonight, something so strong that my whole Self is completely changed as the result. I never knew that it would hit so fast or with such force, but I'm damn happy it's here now; I've been waiting for a long time.
Fuck beauty. Fuck sugarcoated words with poetic light to them. I can say this without out all of that; I can say it simply and honestly, I can say it with TRUTH. And there won't be one apology beforehand nor will there be a care in the world if I insult anyone or not. The truth is, I don't give a SHIT what anyone has to say about this so you're wasting your time by having an opinion.
I'm a really kick ass person. And I mean it. I have some incredibly neat traits that I really fucking take pride in. There's not one person who can tell me otherwise, because even if they do, I will disregard it so quickly and just continue knowing everything I need to know: That I am a person who has everything she needs in her personality and though sure, there's room to change, there is nothing wrong with the place I am at NOW. No one can talk down to me; no one can tell me I'm wrong in my actions. They are all justified in MY head, so what the fuck does it matter if someone disagrees. [Especially someone who is so cowardly that they cant even post their own name, mind you. ;>] I love myself and I'm not scared of anything anymore.
I have this new philosophy that I'm living by and that is I've got nothing to lose. I can't waste one more moment standing back and hoping to keep the peace by keeping my mouth shut. I've been walked on and trampled over in the past, but it was only because I LET PEOPLE DO IT. I was the pacifist. So in response to that, I used to bitch and whine and feel helpless because there was nothing I could do. Well holy shit, now I see it -- there is something I can do. It's as easy as opening my mouth up and stating the truth. I don't deserve that treatment and I'm going to make sure people know that. Fuck if they don't like me after that; at least I'll have the respect for standing up in what I believe in.
My parents already are disappointed in me, I don't have many friends, and close to no one respects me anymore. So seriously, what the hell do I have to lose by standing up for myself and being proud of what I am? Absolutely fucking nothing. I'm honest enough with myself to know I have faults and I'm smart enough to know there's room for improvement. No judgement anyone offers on me will knock me down because it's something I hear regardless almost every day from my own self.
I'm going to continue this later, but right now I need to listen to my Tori Amos and revel in this newfound confidence. I feel SO MUCH BETTER already.
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[04 Jan 2004|01:55am] |
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( Meow. )
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[03 Jan 2004|10:22pm] |
Paternal congestion in my throat,
something divides me from my blood
and some one clashes with my preferences.
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| Short snippets of opinion: |
[03 Jan 2004|06:50pm] |
sexxybobbiskit: I still want to do a tarot reading on you
Interim tres Oh: Don't be alarmed if it says something about hitler. [I always give that warning. Three different psychics and past life regressions all pointed to the signs of me being the leader of the third reich.]
sexxybobbiskit: hmmm
Interim tres Oh: I respect Hitler though... actually, here's what I told a friend:
BaconFlavordCoke: In your opinion, was Hitler really evil?
Interim tres Oh: You know what I honestly think?
BaconFlavordCoke: No, I don't.
Interim tres Oh: I think he was a genius that had such big plans for the world, beautiful plans, and people of average mentality could not comprehend them correctly.
BaconFlavordCoke: ... Oh my god. Now this is the reason I love you to death.
Interim tres Oh: It wasn't hitler that created the holocaust; it was his followers that misinterpreted his words.
BaconFlavordCoke: Exactly.
BaconFlavordCoke: Tiff, you're the only one who hasn't just responded, "WTF? Yes."
sexxybobbiskit: interesting
Interim tres Oh: It's a philosophy of mine I diligently stand by.
Interim tres Oh: Hitler believed a lot of what Nietzsche said. He liked the concept of Nihilism.
Interim tres Oh: He saw no right or wrong, just what would WORK.
sexxybobbiskit: right
Interim tres Oh: And though what happened was terrible, so utterly terrible, it was the resolution to the problem. Who would ever know if it would have worked or not?
Interim tres Oh: We can't place Judgement.
sexxybobbiskit: no one should ever place judgement
sexxybobbiskit: that's just the way i feel
How do YOU feel about Hitler?
I'm very interested to know! Respond in comment form.
_____________________
After reading a few comments: Perhaps my latter words are being horribly misconstrued and misunderstood. I suppose I went a little over the line in saying that Hitler was amazingly genius, for as with every plan, there were flaws that could not go unnoticed. When people ask me about Hitler, I generally give the response, "Yeah, he was a smart man ... besides the genocide and all." And that's my belief system right there. I don't support his actions under any circumstances, and by no means do I believe the Holocaust was justified. I'm looking at him on the basis of a person, and as most of you know about me, I can respect any person with a belief strong enough to act with real genuine on it. Yes, our perception of it is wrong, but who knows how his mind perceived it. Who honestly dug into that tangled web of delusion? No one. Leni Reifenstahl came close in dissecting it on screen, and Joseph Goebbles came close in exploiting the overral message. But do you honestly think that the view of Hitler we get is the whole truth? To be under that belief would be closing the mind to other possibilities, possibilities which very well could be the truth. I can almost guarentee not one person here has met Hitler, let alone the fact BEEN Hitler, so who can honestly give a straight answer as to if he was wrong or right. Sure, we all know the outcome was terrible and shameful on his part. But that's not what we need to take into consideration; We need to look at the INTENTION, and this intention will never be known because none of us have Hitler's mind.
I suppose it's the eternal mystery.
And on that note, let me ask some more questions: Who dictates right from wrong? Can anyone besides Hitler judge his own ideas? Why/Why not? Who's to blame most for the Holocaust -- The Nazis, Hitler, the indifferent people watching from afar, Goebbles, etc.?
Keep the comments coming; this is turning out to be a great topic to discuss.
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| Like a good book, I can't put this day back: |
[03 Jan 2004|12:09am] |
So the day did go.
I arose early to greet a somewhat nice day; there was a very pleasant aura to the environment and the air was under an eery spring haze. With the temperatures so moderate and the sun so eager, I called my best friend Staci, who moved away two years ago to live in Indiana. I knew she was in town, so I gave her a call, and she told me that she was on her way back home. HOWEVER, she turned around and came right back here so that we could see one another a bit before she left.
It was very nice, very refreshing to catch up on things. Perhaps the most refreshing part of the whole deal was knowing that she had not changed one bit, only grown. In my eyes, that is so admirable! After talking for awhile, we decided to go back to tradition and head out shopping.
And that we did.
Brought back a shirt. Staci bought underwear. Looked at the mew mews. Raided Victoria's Secret. Ate Chinese. All in all, was a pretty nice day. It was just exceptionally nice being able to see her, and the word is she's moving back this summer. I cannot even begin to express my happiness concerning that; I get my best friend back.
She left at about 4 or so, and I came home and began to clean up my living quarters. I got caught up in playing my piano, so obviously the task did not get done, but I did get some practice time in, which is essential if I'm to master this instrument. Soon after, I got ready and headed out to Barnes and Noble to read my Szpilman journals. I caught up with Damien and we made a detour to Best Buy so I could look for the Cello Sonata [Chopin], but no such luck. Soon after was Target for hair dye, but once more, no luck. However I did buy the new John Mayer CD, because I have a terribly lame addiction to some of his music. [So sue me.] I then dropped Damien off and did make my way to Barnes and Noble to read. I ended up getting a book [which was a friend's christmas present to me, just very late.] for free, and it made me smile ever so much! Good gift idea, definitely. The book is called "I hate this place: The Pessimist's Guide to Life" and Jimmy Fallon and his sister wrote it. I'll put out my reccomendation now; this book it well worth the read! I was getting bored and waiting for Brian's call, though, so I went to get some gas.
After that was done, I had remembered someone in the Adrien Brody community talking about finding the Lifetime movie he did, Oxygen, in the $5.50 DVD bin at Wal Mart. I drove out there and began the search, and within twenty minutes, there it was. I am so exstatic to have this DVD! It's one of those movies I've never seen, but know the plotline and the character of Adrien's, so it's a definite must-have. In fact, I plan on watching it and Swing Kids tomorrow when I get off work. I can't wait to see it, especially the opening scene I hear so much about. [the sad face.]
So Brian had called while I was in Wal Mart. He had been watching some of his friends play in their jazz band and they had asked him to play with them. So Brian sent me this long elaborate voice mail about how much fun he was having and how great it was doing this and all I could do was smile. It's always so great to hear him so happy, and to know it was because of music makes me feel even happier for him. I messaged him back and told him not to worry about me, but to stay there and keep creating his music and having a GREAT time. Wish I could be there to catch that show!
Oh yeah. Tomorrow's my last day at JC Penney's. It turns out that I was only hired as a temp for the holidays and that I'm no longer needed. Not a big deal; I was in the process of looking for a new job anyways.
Also, I'm not going to be moving out for quite awhile now. I'll spare the details, but to make a long story short, Carrie bailed and her parents got her her own place and I decided that I wanted to save at least two month's rent and get a new STABLE job before I take that step. As long as I can maintain my sanity in this household, I'll be fine. Perfectly fine. It's worth the wait.
I also decided I want to live on my own. Period. No questions asked. I can't trust other people anymore, especially with something as serious as that. So it looks like I'll be in my own little efficiency!
But yes. So concludes the post on my day and night. I hope everything is going well in the world for all that experience it. [Insert Khmer.]
Tiffany
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| Girls do dream. |
[02 Jan 2004|08:59am] |
Trickling through the winter day,
not willing to freeze on the sidewalk,
some notion thrusts her against the wall,
putting her body in a lock.
A revelation suddenly struck her mind
with such a powerful force,
and it pulled her down the street to see
the man in whom happiness was the source.
She looked deeper into his eyes at this moment
and he mirrored, doing the same
but she saw he could not read her soul;
true love was not his aim.
She turned her body around abruptly,
tears falling from her eyes,
and they hit the sidewalk, freezing instantly;
this took far too long to realize.
For now she had loved him,
covered past wounds with the feeling of his skin,
far too soon she had this feeling,
and now it was gnawing from within.
He followed her home and heard her pain
but she refused to show her face
for she knew to see hers, she had to see his,
and she could no longer be put in that place.
She bound herself to closed doors
for many days on end,
and though the poetry she wrote was directed to him,
it was something she would never send.
On day 9, she emerged,
strong and fair,
but something struck her down:
He was still there.
Still there.
He had cared enough to wait it out;
he could not watch her leave,
and she dropped her poems flat on the sidewalk,
however they did not freeze.
He took her tightly in an embrace,
they kissed a sacred line,
and she knew exactly at that moment
that notions could be proven wrong in time.
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[01 Jan 2004|11:11am] |
Rather than wish everyone a "happy" new year this year, I'd rather wish everyone a coming year of experience. I'm learning more and more each day not only about the world around me, but about my own Self as well. As much as I complain about life, there is so much beauty I would not and could not have the heart to pass up, and the only reason I know it's there is because all the experiences ['good' and 'bad'] are beginning to add up into this virtuous conglomeration of knowledge. I know so much more than I did last year, and it's the best thing I could have ever wished for. And so, my friends, the time comes for me to wish it upon every one of you.
My New Years Eve was absolutely extravegant despite the fact that it started out with tones of disappointment. You see, I was supposed to go with Carrie to a party, but unfortunately, I couldn't get through to her on her phone. I don't know what happened, but I was just sitting here waiting for that call back, and it didn't seem as though it was going to come. But then, right as I needed someone the most, Brian called. I was so overjoyed! He told me his friends Jaime and Sara were having a tiny get-together and that we should go hang out there. I grabbed my things, picked up Brian, and we headed out their way.
There were two other girls there I didn't know. One of them was just great while the other was sort of having some issues with her boyfriend and so she cried most of the night. Jaime and Brian joined at the kitchen table and the ladies talked in the living room. I wavered between both places, though I observed my entire surroundings quite closely. [a writer's habit, I suppose.] Finally, the guys got the urge --for the second weekend in a row!-- to play some Trivial Pursuit, so out came the game and we all split up into partners. Me and Brian kicked ass at that game, however his answers always seemed to be our double guesses, and then the original idea we would have had was right. I suppose that's the way the world works, though! It was fun, nevertheless, though we didn't win.
We finished at about 5 until midnight, so Sara got the champaigne together and we all rung in the new year together. Good times. It was deathly cold, but we still managed to get outside and watch the fireworks in Springfield and hear the assorted red necks of the town whooping and hollering while shootin' off their shot guns. Good Illinois fun! It was pleasant, a nice way to watch this past year go into the back of my memory.
So there was some watching of Adult Swim, and then we decided to leave. Everyone except for us were getting very tired. So we headed out, not too sure of where to go because all the parties were pretty much over with. [Though Brian, never willing to give up, did call a couple handfuls of people. Sadly we were right; the parties were over.] We decided to drive to the Back Roads so Brian could teach me more about the true essence of these great and mysterious places. I learned about how you pull to the side with your lights on until you see headlights, and then you drive at 20 MPH until the car is gone. You then turn around and resituate yourself at the same spot. Ingenius! We had a good time laughing out there.
To be completely honest, the next few hours just DRIVING with Brian was the best part of the night. There was no profound conversation, nothing prime or moving or touching happening: It was just me and Brian listening to the Doors and driving into the oblivion of the country roads. He made me laugh so much, and I think that he is just absolutely wonderful. I need one of these Brian fellows in my life; he really enhances me.
But I dropped him off at about 4:45 and then headed home to get some rest. [Not such a big deal, but: he kissed my hand. He told me he believed in manners in front of a lady. I'm sensing a change in him. A good one.] I fell asleep, and now I get to go to Penney's to work until 7:30 tonight. I swear, this will be the death of me! But can you imagine how entertaining it's going to be watching our store functioning with the general majority of members hung over? Hahahaha. Good times.
So now the time comes to discuss my departure.
Come see me today if y'all get bored. You know the drill: Men's department, short red hair, OH! Newly attained pierced nose. I stick out.
"When the world ends, collect your things, you're comin' with me..."
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[30 Dec 2003|02:41am] |
There are some nights where the piano just seems so much more alluring than here.
... or sleep.
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| The writing assignment Brian built AKA Back Roads |
[28 Dec 2003|11:31pm] |
A pothole erupts with
stomach churning anticipation as clouds
and the dripping stars create a backdrop
for the night we paint with glowing intentions.
"What magic," I think as I straighten out my skirt,
flattening the edges which will soon adorn the car
seat, giving it satin appeal
and fancy overtones.
Halt.
Over to the side, no house for 3 miles.
He looks at me with devious intent, as he knows
as well as I do
that a woman is most vulnerable when she is
willing.
I glance with disbelief at the dead trees
next to the car,
and he reaches his hand behind me to reveal
the elixer of discombobulation
and laughter.
We toast.
The liquid fills my insides and we both shiver
at the same time when we feel the chill pass
over our kidneys.
It is a cold night, and the eyes of the moon stare
like ice at our little plot,
but smile when they realize freedom and eternal youth
are being displayed at their finest.
I feel his hand on my thigh, and
he begins the long exploration north into foreign land.
My defense is passive and allows this brave soldier
to continue onwards, but stands in the way when the tip
of the country meets the sea.
I unbutton my jacket and situate my legs so they
stradle his hipbones just so,
and I can feel them jutting into my thighs, discovering
the trail of the lost soldier.
I receive a drink from my own hand, squinting at the bitter taste, but I look him square in the eyes,
taking my lithe fingers and running them through his
long
dark
hair.
He begins to to speak,
but all is silenced with my lips forcing their way onto his,
and the soldier continues his journey to the territory of
mountains and Spring.
There he shall find sanctuary.
Headlights shock us in the distance, though we still kiss,
stoppping occasionally to relinquish our smiles
with a swig of rum.
They come closer, and I am blinded, forced to put my head down
on his shouler:
I am breathing.
Life.
InOut
through
him.
The diversion passes and he chuckles like a soft madman;
once more his hipbones jut foreward into my lower abdomen.
He bites my ear
and I tear into his back,
conforming into a vicious and passionate delivery,
right into his lap,
right onto his face.
I ask where we are and he answers:
"The back roads --
every Midwestern boy's fantasy."
A vague smile and a kiss on the nose,
we progress until the volcano erupts and the lava finishes its course.
The aftermath came when two more piercing rays of blindness
entered our domain,
and after he dropped his pants for relief in the gravel on the side of
this road, the car started abruptly with zest,
using onomonopoea (Zoom!)
to dialogue its state.
He removed a cigarette from his pocket, asking me to
apply the fire, but all I got was spark.
I took my lighter out and lit the stick ablaze, watching him balance the
pathway before him
and the glowing tip of his habit,
watching his eyes.
Watching his lips.
(I remember those lips.)
He whispered about beauty and maples,
some sort of accoustic message traveled backstage
and his speakers questioned who had stopped the rain.
I took another drink,
glancing slowly at the clock to conclude that
2 and a half hours had passed and
he and I were laughing
and loving
and lifting
and living
through barricades.
I took a smooth drag off of my Clove, exhaling
to the timing of
my realization that the back roads might just be
every Midwestern girl's fantasy as well.
He held my hand on the way back into town
and I curled my fingers around his neck,
feeling the damage I had done.
Do not thank me.
Thank the back roads
for your body canvas being adorned with lovebites
and splatters of assorted paint
and candy coated adrenaline
and Excedrine Migraine,
which will ease the pain in the morning.
Morning.
The moon his shimmered away,
falling asleep on the job, and the sun awakes to view
one truck
one girl
and one man
exiting the one place where sin dominates all:
Thank you for visiting the back roads;
please come again.
Edit: Post Script-- This is fiction. This was a form of creative writing used to express the essence of "the back roads" of central Illinois. Not meant to be taken literally as a happening in my life.
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[28 Dec 2003|09:27am] |
I've got some extra time before work this morning, so I thought it would be a good time to make a journal post. I had intended on it last night, but I got in at about 4 and knew I had to wake up early, so it was just not going to happen.
First of all, the icon to this post is so beautiful. I wish I could have gotten the whole clip into the icon, because seeing what Adrien is doing to Tori reminds me EXACTLY of that first night Brian really kissed me. I suppose it just has sentimental value.
So yesterday was spent at JC Penney's working of course. They keep sticking me at the Customer Service desk, and though it says they think I have responsibility, it doesn't make the job itself any less frustrating. It's just person after person of complaints, misunderstandings, and bitching. I remember sitting there yesterday just wishing someone could come save me. Even if it meant bringing me a tootsie roll to entertain me. There's nothing more pleasant that seeing a smiling, caring face amidst all the chaos.
so yes. It appears that due to the fact that the word "cashier" is placed next to my name on the schedule, I've got to endure the same thing all over again. Oh pity me.
But after work it got a lot better. I came home and showered, blow dried my hair and curled it, and changed my clothes. Brian asked me to call when I got off, and call I did. He was playing cards at a friends' house, and I was invited to join. When I was there I got to talk to this girl named Sarah and she was so bubbly and had one of those charismatic personalities; I always like meeting new people like her. We watched some of Gone is Sixty Seconds, listened to some decent music, and then the guys pulled out Trivial Pursuit. It's not as easy as I had expected, especially since almost everyone was stumbling over reading the questions. LOL. I don't know; I just had a good old fashioned good time with those people; I'm glad they the good ones still exist in this world.
Instead of the typical late night Denneys rendezvous we generally do, we decided to go to the Parkway Cafe, which was a small 24 hours diner. I dont remember much about it, but I noted that at 3 or so, all the drunks started coming in. Personally, I found that hilarious! The food was decent, and I found a killer picture of an f-hole in the Illinois Times. We read some of the personals and then just conversed and laughed and smiled together. Good deal.
Brian told me I could do a photo shoot of him. In fact, I'd like to do two total. I want to do a series of his body, and then I'd like to move to strictly his hands. He has very nice hands, and I think I could get some excellent pictures of them playing some music. I'm bursting with ideas on how I want to carry this out, but for now I know I'll probably need 2 or 3 rolls of black and white film and a good focused light source. That's not too hard to attain, so I'll be fine.
But we went out to his truck and sat there for awhile; I really felt a reluctance in leaving last night. I just didnt want to at all. However after the good night kiss, I departed, listening to my Tori Amos and singing extra loud when A Sorta Fairy Tale was on.
But now I need to finish completing myself for work. It's a shame I am totally giving in to something I know will make me so unhappy, but eh. Such is life. Submission for a paycheck.
Come see me if you get bored. I'm the only one with the reddest hair. Ha.
ONE MORE THING! Speaking of such, I think I'd decided that I really want to get my nose pierced soon. [Among many things, but the nose wouldn't be too expensive.] I don't know how and when it will happen, but it's one more aspiration to add to the evergrowing list.
And thus concludes.
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[28 Dec 2003|04:16am] |
And though a new pair of eyes shall be reading my words, I won't be holding back a thing.
After all, he deserves to know what he does to me.
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| Good times. |
[26 Dec 2003|12:36pm] |
1 minute ago: I was playing on my piano; trying to learn Chopin's Norcturne.
1 week ago: Last Sunday -- I can't remember; I'd have to look back in my journal.
1 year ago: Ha. Oh lassitude, pity me! I was wallowing, of course. But I still had my Erin, so it was all good.
I hurt: when others hurt.
I love: pretty panties, Adrien Brody, bright red hair, and tattoos.
I hate: assunptions and ambiguous mixed signals.
I fear: capitalism's control over me.
I hope: to always inspire those around me.
I feel: incredibly musical and ready to play anything.
I listen: to anything, regardless of my opinion on what it is. Gotta' give everyone a chance, I say.
I hide: Clove cigarettes.
I drive: a Ford Escort named Siren with the lisence plate of Talula 1!
I play: a lot. Take it whatever way you must.
I miss: Having someone to call me their best friend. Oh, and Sara.
I learned: how much retail sucks during the holidays.
I know: nothing. ["True knowledge is knowing that you know nothing." --Socrates]
I wait: every moment to move out.
I need: money. Though I say that reluctantly because I don't want to admit it.
I think: Adrien Brody is absolutely wonderful. I can't get over this man's beauty and talent! Indulgence over the past few days has totally gotten to my head!
Current Clothes: Work attire -- pinstripe black shirt and black pants.
Current Mood: not wanting to go to work.
Current Music: Clint Mansell and the Kronos Quartet -- Requiem for a Dream soundtrack
Current Taste: Cinnamon gum
Current Hair: Bright red and flippy!
Current Annoyance: duh. Work and the return desk.
Current Smell: Pink by Victoria Secret
Current thing I should doing: probably finishing my preparation for work.
Current Desktop Picture: Angelina Jolie ala Gone in Sixty Seconds
Current Favorite bands/singers: Tori Amos, Dave Matthews Band, The Doors, Howie Day, etcetera. Too many to list.
Current Book: Rereading "Notes from my Travels" by Angelina Jolie
Current Movie In DVD player: The Pianist
Current Refreshment: My own saliva?
Current Worry: I need to talk to Carrie about our plans on getting our apartment!
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[26 Dec 2003|10:45am] |
NOTE: This was typed last night at roughly 2 AM, however my internet connection wasn't feeling too well, so I was forced to post it this morning. Enjoi!
Ah fucking serenity. I'm smitten, and with flying colors. Brian's a good guy, and though he is so incredibly ambiguous at times, there's nothing that could ever stop me from enjoying every moment I spend with him. But that's completely written based on the moment, not on the entirety of this post.
So let's begin at the beginning of the day, where of course, it all begins. I woke up and did the whole present thing with my dad and Susie, and I got tons of good gifts. I got some new acrylic paints, a book I've been wanting so badly called "Stitch n' Bitch," some NICE makeup, and some shirts, etc. Oh! And the new Tori and Howie Day CDs, which I've wanted ever so badly but have never had the time or money to buy. Yay.
I then went to my mothers, where we did the gift thing as well. My mom tried, she really did, but a lot of what she got me either [1] didn't fit me or [2] I simply could not wear it. [She got me a lot of earrings and since my ears are at 00 gauge again, I'm not able to wear normal earrings.] I did get some killer gift certificates and some cash, though. So no complaints at all! AND I've got all the receipts, so once things calm down, it looks like I've got a month of rent in my hand!
We went over to my Aunt Lisa's house, which was nothing spectacular because right after I ate the turkey, I feel dead asleep for an hour or two. It was nice seeing the family, however I was just worn out and ready to leave the whole time. My grandmother gave me a lovely lecture about my piercings and tattoos, and she seemed a little bothered by the fact that I had intentions to get more. I can respect that, however I'm pretty dead set on some of what I'm doing. Meh. such is life.
Afterwards, I went on a crazy goose chase to buy the movie, The Pianist, which is my new favourite movie. Walgreens, which was the only open business today, had nothing, so I had to go to random gas stations and then I got smart: I checked out some video stores for their used DVDs. Hollywood video had one copy and it got stolen, but Family Video had many copies and I bought one for $9.99! I was an incredibly happy girl as I walked out with my new movie in hand.
I went and helped Brian drop his truck off at the shop and then he and I came back to my place and watched the movie. The main reasons I wanted him to see it especially were that not only is an orchestra teacher who loves music, but the first time I saw him, I was immediately reminded of Wladek Szpilman. And the more I look at Brian, the more I see Adrien Brody, which as you know, means I become even more attracted to him. Regardless, he loved the movie and really got to respect it as much as I do.
After that, he called some friends so we could go out and do something. He got ahold of his friend Mike and we went over to his place to hang out for awhile. Well, 8 turned into 11 pretty quick and Brian was feeling a little sick, so I brought him back to his house. He invited me in and we watched his favorite television show, Columbo. [Or it may have been called something completely different; all I know is that the main character was a detective named Columbo and he is Brian's idol. ha.] We sort of cuddled a bit, kissing one another and just relaxing. It was really nice to just be able to sit there and be boring for once; I enjoyed every bit of it. But as forementioned, he was feeling a bit sick and I could tell that he needed some sleep. So I left and that brings me to this point. I've got to work the dreaded RETURN DESK tomorrow at work and then after that Brian's calling and I'll probably spend some more time with him. Good times!
But once more, I hope everyone had a great Christmas and I hope you all received the worlds at your fingertips.
Jive, cat!
Tiffany
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